NEW YEARS ROCKING EVE!!!!

Every now and then something from your past pops up and hits you upside the head without an ounce of warning. I had that happen to me today.

My hetero life mate Demolition Dave was searching for an old password in his inbox and found a piece that I wrote for our partner in crime Miss Keli when she was publishing a short-lived newspaper called MONKEY INK in 2000. She was kind enough to print a couple concert reviews I sent her and I compiled this fragmented recollection of New Years Eve, 2000-01. Sadly, the issue containing this story never went to press and, until today, I completely forgot I ever wrote this....

Dec.31,2000 8:00 PM- The festivities began early as we convene at Miss
Keli's Bungalow Lounge for some tasty libations. We fill our flasks and our
bellies full of rum. We greet new and old friends alike. We pose for
pre-show snapshots. We hear stories of romance from McFarlane and the Tiger
Lady from Pahrump. We each get groped and frenched by a slightly loopy Demo
Dave.

10:30 PM- The party is now divided into two camps traveling towards Mandalay
Bay. McFarlane uses his press credentials to get us a parking space in the
garage. The amazing thing is that McFarlane has as much press credentials as
I do!!!It set the tone for the evening.Demo Dave stole my favorite Harley
Davidson winter cap and the last I saw of it was inside Tiger Lady's car. It
too was fingerfucked that night by a considerably toasted Demo Dave.

11:00 PM- The courtyard at The HOB is very packed and groovin thanks to
Sweet Al and The Neon Chameleons. If the music got any funkier it would be
sharing a cell with Rick James. No sign of what happened to the second team
from the Bungalow Party. Mix Michelle and her Motor City Madhouse was AWOL.
They were gonna miss out on their midnight tongue kiss by the soon-to-be
demolished Demolition Dave. I worried that I would not be so lucky.

11:30 PM- The HOB Theatre is ten times sweatier and busier than the
Courtyard. A feat made staggeringly unfathomable by the fact that The Goo
Goo Dolls are playing. The VH1 house band were surprisingly energetic and
lively. Honest. Maybe they had a couple drinks hoping to get a sequel to
their "BEHIND THE MUSICK" special. Or maybe they were just trying to keep up
with Demo Dave, who by this time was out-performing Nicolas Cage in "Leaving
Las Vegas" by a landslide. I think he actually got oral sex from one of
those tiki statue heads in the club.

12:00 MIDNIGHT- Happy New Year.
JANUARY 1, 2001-12:01 AM- I dont feel any different than I did last year. I
thought of the person I wished I was with at that moment. I took a little
solace in the fact that she wasn't with the person she wished to ring in the
new year with,either!!

12:45 AM- Back upstairs at the HOB Courtyard. The Disco Dudes are still
turning the beat around. The chicks don't look so uptight like they did two
hours and twelve beers ago. Demo Dave chats his way into a group of them.
Captain Morgan has apparently knighted him the Pompatus Of Love for the time
being. I dance a bit until I start to feel a little tired. Then I remember
what was next on the evening's menu.

1:30 AM- Guns N Roses are scheduled for a 2 AM gig inside the theater. We
arrive at the VIP lounge for soundcheck. This show was a huge deal. This was
the first GNR show in about eight years. This was to be Axl's first public
appearance out of court in eight years as well. This would be his first show
with his new version of GNR. Metal Marcus, Miss Keli and myself empty our
flasks and toast the reunion of our newly discovered pal Mix Michelle. Demo
Dave stayed behind downstairs. He was lining up the drunken club sluts to
participate in the world's first all-girl Bukkake Video. He had his ammo
ready but needed plenty to shoot at, knowwhatimean???

2:15 AM- A handful of L.A. types file into the VIP area. Still no sign of
GNR yet. Three truly stunning beauties escaped Demo Dave's recruiting
downstairs to sit at the couch next to us. Two of them passed out within
minutes. Roofies and Champagne. Hookers and Blow. A SURE THING!!! Turns out
the two actually were hookers that finally crashed from all the blow they
did earlier. These trophy chicks certainly did not need the breast implants
but I'm very happy they let me inspect them for cancer lumps anyway!!

3:30 Am- Finally!!! The strains of "welcome To The Jungle" filled the House.
We all scurried about for a peek at the Loch Ness Monster of Metal. He
sounded OK. He looked awful. He wore a hockey jersey and black sweatpants.
He needed a new StairMaster for Christmas. He only occasionally adressed the
crowd, and when he did it was of the "Thank You for coming" variety. His
energy level was way below what it was in those old videos. After the fifth
or sixth song, those famous high notes became his worst enemy. The band,
while competent enough, lacked the real chemistry and charm the previous
lineups had. One guitarist, aptly named Buckethead for the KFC bucket he
wore, looked like a bad Marilyn Manson impersonator. The rest of the guys,
including Tommy Stinson of The Replacements, Brain from Primus, and Robin
Finck from NIN, really just came off like a GNR tribute band without the
energy. An interesting show to tell people you saw, but nowhere near its
level of hype. Too bad.

5:30 AM- A misunderstanding between our party and the rented security team
resulted in an early departure. We'd seen enough, anyway. As we stood in the
LOOOOOONNNNGGG line for a cab we found Demo Dave with a hip new green Afro
and the nametag bearing the moniker of Mr.Brownstone. It apparently was a
souvenir he got since he showed up to GNR a little late.On the cab ride he
must proposed marriage to each of us at least a dozen times. Only I was
foolish enough to accept more than twice. We will be looking forward to
spending our next new year's eve with our beautiful daughter, Tiffany, a
17-year-old dance student that we've adopted along with her fellow students,
Diamond and Pearl. See Ya Next Year!!!


POST SCRIPT-- We made it into all three of shows as a fluke. Had we paid for tickets, it would have been 500 bucks each easily. This was definitely one of those HOW DID I DO THAT? moments in my life. We had hung out at House Of Blues enough times to know about the service elevator in the kitchen that had no security. I swear it was like the scene in GOODFELLAS with Henry and Karen Hill at the Copacabana.

Somewhere I actually have photos of this night. I recently cleaned house and found evidence of the green Afro wig, fuzzy pictures of Axl onstage and, best of all, the topless hookers upstairs. We were eventually busted for walking around the balcony area with no tickets and taking said photographs. This was before cell phones had cameras so the bouncers couldn't just order you to put it away. If I were not actually at this party, I would never have believed it myself.